For the mother who has experienced the mentally exhausting battle that comes from fighting postpartum rage every second of every day, know that you are not alone.
I was completely out of control.
Anger constantly consumed every part of me.
I tried my best to fight off the urge to scream & break things, but postpartum rage was almost always too strong.
When it Started
In reflecting on my journey, I’ve pinpointed the start of my battle with postpartum rage when I first began my MA.
My then, little family of three, had just moved from our small hometown to a big city for my husband’s first big boy job. We had both just finished undergraduate and we’re excited for the next chapter of our lives.
I’m very ambitious and because of this, I felt that I needed to be more than a stay at home mom. So, I stared an online master’s program in hopes that it would help me land a remote job.
My struggles began when I couldn’t find balance. My husband worked LONG hours. It was difficult for me to figure out how to maintain a clean home, cook, raise a healthy baby that I exclusively breastfed, and make time for my master’s program.
I had a very small window to work on my assignments. When my husband got home from work, I had roughly 2-3 hours to complete assignments while he fed & bathed our kiddo. I also worked on the weekends, which eventually became problematic. Most families use the weekends to decompress and spend quality time as a family. So, because I chose to use the weekends to complete assignments, we weren’t given anytime to reset.
Not having downtime is never a good idea.
As my program progressed & the courses became harder, I needed more time to complete my assignments but our schedule wouldn’t budge.
Slowly, my lack of time & hectic schedule caused me to fear that I wouldn’t be successful. I became anxious and eventually my anxiety & fear began presenting itself in the form of rage.
For those of you who aren’t familiar with postpartum rage, I’ll link an article here that explains how anxiety, fear, & rage are connected.
My Breaking Point
I avoided seeking help much longer than I should have. For nearly half a year, I tried my best to hide my anger from those outside of my household in fear that I’d be labeled as an unfit mother and bad wife.
I caved and made an appointment after I realized how often I was uncontrollably lashing out at my husband. Though I never physically abused anyone, I said things that I’ll always regret and I was constantly on edge.
Life With Rage
Living with postpartum rage is honestly the most difficult challenge I’ve ever faced. I’m not an emotional person. Tbh, I try to avoid expressing deep emotions because it makes me uncomfortable. So, when the rage kicked in & I was unable to control myself, I had no clue how to cope.
I almost always feel angry. When I don’t feel angry, I’m most likely feeling sad because of something that I did while blinded by rage.
Have you ever caught yourself confused by an emotion that you’re feeling? I have.
I’ve been fighting postpartum rage for so long that happiness and peace of mind feels odd to me.
My Mindset Today
I am not where I want to be, but I am so much better than I used to be.
After I had my second son. Postpartum rage reappeared stronger than before. I decided to make some changes.
I knew that that I didn’t want to put another baby through what my first went through, so I sought help as soon as I noticed that I felt off again.
With the help of prescribed antidepressants & anxiety medicine, a creative outlet, and mindset work, I have learned how to best manage my rage.
I don’t have full control. I still feel angry and I’m still triggered by many things that I don’t think should make me angry, but I no longer lash out on others or do anything else that would instantly make me feel shamed.
Thank you for being here! You could be doing so many others things, yet you chose to visit my sight. Thank you thank you thank you!
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I hope that you’re thriving!