Author: Katlan

5 Things Your Mom Didn’t Tell You About Being a Mom of Two

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Listen sis, parenting is h a r d.

Just as soon as I felt comfortable being a mom of one-I got my mental health under control and developed a decent understanding of what it means to be a good parent- baby fever hit hard.

Andrew (my husband) and I decided to have another baby. We told ourselves that even though we were exhausted, adding another being to our family would be easy because we’ve been through the steps.

“We know what we need to pack in the hospital bag & we already have everything that we need at home, so we’re good to go.“

We were so wrong.

Being a parent of one does not imply that you’re capable of being a parent of two. Trust me on this sis.

My first son was gentle. He spent most of his time breastfeeding and sleeping until he became 1. I thought that things got wild when we he started walking, and then my second son Kason arrived and shit got real.

Here’s what I’ve learned so far:

There are 24 hours in a day, most of which you spend catering to tiny dictators. You’re trying your best to work with what you’ve been given-give yourself a break! This shit is rough.

Had I accepted this truth sooner, I wouldn’t have struggled with anxiety for as long as I did.

It’s time to let go of false expectations. YOU LIVE IN YOUR HOME IT WILL NEVER BE COMPLETELY CLEAN. There will almost always be dishes to clean & you’ll rewash the same load at least twice a week. All of which is completely fine.

So stop speed cleaning your home before your guest arrive. If they can’t accept your house as is, they don’t deserve to be in your life.

And this piece of advice is coming from a women who was forced to clean at-least one room everyday while growing up because her mother was completely obsessed with having a spotless home.

I can still hear my moms voice in my head, “ did you remove all the DVDs from the tv stand?” She’d question in a stern voice while using a single finger to scan for dirt.

I still have PTSD from that.

Make a list of everything that you believe you should do, then grab a lighter and burn that shit.

You’re setting yourself up to fail sis. Lowering your standards is the best way to prevent yourself from getting angry when things don’t go as planned.

Before I had kids, I did what I wanted when I wanted. I didn’t have to press pause on my dreams because someone needed to be rocked to sleep. Nor did I have to wait until my husband stopped working so that I could piss by myself.

ALOT HAS CHANGED. I’ve changed. You’ve changed.

Now it’s time for you to change your expectations.

Do not I REPEAT do not make parenting harder than it has to be. If people you trust are asking if they can help you, let them help!

This is probably the hardest lesson I’ve learned as a mother thus far. I was raised by a strong, independent, single mother who refused to accept help from others in fear that they’d want something in return. So naturally, I learned to do the same.

And because I refused help, my mental health suffered. I could not do it all by myself and it showed.

Sometimes I still shame myself for needing help because my mother seemed to never need any, but then I remember a few key things:

  • My mother didn’t have the village that I have
  • My mother’s life was so much harder than mine
  • I am my mother’s daughter but I am not my mother

It’s okay for me to lean on my village & it’s okay for you to do the same.

Last but most important!

Always, always remember that you are raising tiny humans who are a reflection of you. Don’t like that your toddler is sassy?

Tough titty said the kitty.

Your kid most likely learned it from you. In some cases, your child’s behavior stems from something they learned outside of your home, but 80% of the time it’s because of you-fact check me if you want to.

My mom told me that one day I’d understand how difficult it is to raise yourself and now here I am with two minis finally understanding what she meant.

My kids are mine-attitude and all. I’m not 100% proud of the sass that I passed on because I have to deal with it, but I’m sure that once they leave my house I’ll laugh at it more often.

In the meantime, I remind myself to not let their behavior hurt my feelings. I want to be my childrens’ best friend but I can’t because if I do, their funky little attitudes will cause me to bicker with them, ruining my mood and ultimately everyone’s day. Because is momma isn’t happy absolutely no one is happy.

That’s all I have for this post!

*Air hug*

Thank you, thank you, thank you so much for reading! I cannot believe that you took time out of your day to read what I have to say. Just know that you’re empowering me to keep going. It isn’t easy to set aside enough time to create this content, but I do it because you deserve to feel seen.

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Living With Postpartum Rage

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For the mother who has experienced the mentally exhausting battle that comes from fighting postpartum rage every second of every day, know that you are not alone.

I was completely out of control.

Anger constantly consumed every part of me.

I tried my best to fight off the urge to scream & break things, but postpartum rage was almost always too strong.

When it Started

In reflecting on my journey, I’ve pinpointed the start of my battle with postpartum rage when I first began my MA.

My then, little family of three, had just moved from our small hometown to a big city for my husband’s first big boy job. We had both just finished undergraduate and we’re excited for the next chapter of our lives.

I’m very ambitious and because of this, I felt that I needed to be more than a stay at home mom. So, I stared an online master’s program in hopes that it would help me land a remote job.

My struggles began when I couldn’t find balance. My husband worked LONG hours. It was difficult for me to figure out how to maintain a clean home, cook, raise a healthy baby that I exclusively breastfed, and make time for my master’s program.

I had a very small window to work on my assignments. When my husband got home from work, I had roughly 2-3 hours to complete assignments while he fed & bathed our kiddo. I also worked on the weekends, which eventually became problematic. Most families use the weekends to decompress and spend quality time as a family. So, because I chose to use the weekends to complete assignments, we weren’t given anytime to reset.

Not having downtime is never a good idea.

As my program progressed & the courses became harder, I needed more time to complete my assignments but our schedule wouldn’t budge.

Slowly, my lack of time & hectic schedule caused me to fear that I wouldn’t be successful. I became anxious and eventually my anxiety & fear began presenting itself in the form of rage.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with postpartum rage, I’ll link an article here that explains how anxiety, fear, & rage are connected.

My Breaking Point

I avoided seeking help much longer than I should have. For nearly half a year, I tried my best to hide my anger from those outside of my household in fear that I’d be labeled as an unfit mother and bad wife.

I caved and made an appointment after I realized how often I was uncontrollably lashing out at my husband. Though I never physically abused anyone, I said things that I’ll always regret and I was constantly on edge.

Life With Rage

Living with postpartum rage is honestly the most difficult challenge I’ve ever faced. I’m not an emotional person. Tbh, I try to avoid expressing deep emotions because it makes me uncomfortable. So, when the rage kicked in & I was unable to control myself, I had no clue how to cope.

I almost always feel angry. When I don’t feel angry, I’m most likely feeling sad because of something that I did while blinded by rage.

Have you ever caught yourself confused by an emotion that you’re feeling? I have.

I’ve been fighting postpartum rage for so long that happiness and peace of mind feels odd to me.

My Mindset Today

I am not where I want to be, but I am so much better than I used to be.

After I had my second son. Postpartum rage reappeared stronger than before. I decided to make some changes.

I knew that that I didn’t want to put another baby through what my first went through, so I sought help as soon as I noticed that I felt off again.

With the help of prescribed antidepressants & anxiety medicine, a creative outlet, and mindset work, I have learned how to best manage my rage.

I don’t have full control. I still feel angry and I’m still triggered by many things that I don’t think should make me angry, but I no longer lash out on others or do anything else that would instantly make me feel shamed.

Closing

Thank you for being here! You could be doing so many others things, yet you chose to visit my sight. Thank you thank you thank you!

Now that you’ve read what I have to say, visit my Instagram or TikTok to se what I have to say 🙂

Drop a comment on my social channels to let me know that you were here.

I hope that you’re thriving!

xoxox

Katlan

Why Mindset Matters

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For the mother who is uncertain that mindset training won’t work for her or simply just doesn’t know what it is.

Your mindset impacts how you interact and respond to the world around you.

What is Mindset?

According to Kendra Cherry, a mindset is comprised of the beliefs that you use to make sense of yourself and everything around you. Essentially, it’s what you think and how you feel about everything.

Two Kinds of Mindset:

Fixed Mindset: The belief that you are born with specific limitations that cannot be changed

Growth Mindset: The belief that with practice and time, you can change your characteristics

Those with a growth mindset are more likely to view setbacks and challenges as a learning opportunity, while those with the fixed mindset are likely to give up when faced with a challenge.

Which Mindset Do You Have?

Growth MindsetFixed Mindset
Embraces ChallengesAvoids Challenges
Stays PersistentGives Up Easily
Inspired by the success of othersThreatened by the success of others
You believe that you can growYou don’t believe that you can change
Enjoys trying new thingsAvoids trying new things

Why is Mindset Important?

The state of your mindset is important because it impacts every area of your life. Having a strong, positive, growth mindset is essential to your overall health-especially self-esteem.

Let’s work through an example. If you’re here, you’re most likely struggling with a postpartum mental illness such as rage or depression. If you have a fixed mindset & you’re battling one (or perhaps both) of these illnesses, you’ll really struggle to overcome this battle.

These are some of the thoughts you might have:

“No matter what I do, I will always be depressed”

“I will never be as mentally stable as some of the mothers that I know”

However, if you approach these illnesses with a growth mindset, you’ll be more likely to come out on top.

Your thought will transition to:

“I haven’t overcome my depression yet, but I’ll get there”

“I’m not as stable as my mom friends yet, but I will be”

Do you see the difference?

How Do You Change Your Mindset?

Practice, practice, practice.

If you have a fixed mindset, but you want to have a growth mindset, you need to focus on changing how you think. Every time you find yourself facing a challenge, ask yourself this:

Am I approaching this challenge with a fixed mindset or growth mindset? Do I believe that I can overcome this challenge or do I believe that I will fail?

It will take a lot of practice, but overtime, you will teach yourself to be more open to change.

Closing

Thank you being here! I appreciate your support more than you know. Since you’re here, leave me a comment below and let me know if this post is helpful. I genuinely value your opinion and honestly need it to ensure that I’m achieving my goal of positively impacting the motherhood community.

Again, thank you reading!

xoxox

Katlan

Realistic New Year’s Goals For Mothers

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For the mother who strives to change herself in the new year for all the wrong reasons.

It’s that time of the year where almost everyone is self-reflecting. They’re taking time to look back on what they did this year & begin planning out the goals that they want to achieve in the new year.

Did you achieve your goals in 2021? What are your plans for 2022?

As you begin to create your new goals for 2022, remember to be realistic. Instead of aligning your goals with society’s standards, create goals that best align with your life.

What Do You Want To Achieve & Why?

For every goal that you make, ask yourself the following question: Am I setting this goal because I want to or because society says that I should?

When you find yourself making goals because society says that you should, I recommend that you trash them. It’s 2021. It’s time to stop letting society control your life.

Let’s work through an example. Loosing weight is a very popular New Year’s resolution, is it one of yours?

Though popular, this goal can be very toxic if it’s not made for the right reasons. Do you want to loose weight so that you can fit into society’s unrealistic expectations for what bodies look like? Or do you ultimately strive to become a healthier version of yourself in the new year?

If you want to be healthier, you should reword your goal. Instead of focusing on loosing weight, simply focus on being healthier. In doing so, you’ll place more of an emphasis on creating a healthier lifestyle instead of stressing out and most likely using toxic weightloss tactics.

5 Realistic Goals For Tired Moms

  1. Take A Trip By Yourself
  2. Make More Time For Self-care
  3. Prioritize Your Mental Health
  4. Create a Must Visit List For 2022
  5. Reconnect With The Woman You Were Before Kids

Take A Trip By Yourself

If you’re like me, you probably hardcore struggle with anxiety & mom guilt, so this goal may seem impossible to achieve.

Let’s talk it out.

Taking a trip by yourself doesn’t have to mean that you have to plan a huge get away for yourself. It could be something as simple as visiting the new store you’ve wanted to go to without bringing your kids with you.

No matter the size of your trip, make sure that you do it by yourself. I know leaving the house without your kids is hard. I’m 7 months postpartum with my second and I still guilt myself for doing anything without my children. Tbh, on Christmas Day I tried to drive to my mom’s house to pick up food without my kiddos but mom guilt had other plans. I wasn’t even 5 minutes away from my home when I decided to turn around & let my husband pick up the food instead.

Make More Time For Self-Care

You deserve to shower for more than 10 minutes-without being interrupted. In fact, you deserve so much more than that.

In 2022, I want you to set aside at least one day a month where you solely focus on taking care of yourself. Now I know, that might seem a little crazy. You probably laughed while reading that sentence. You might even be questioning if I’m actually a mom. Heck, even I questioned this goal when I first wrote it down, but then I reminded myself that not only is this goal realistic, but it’s also necessary for me to be the best version of myself in 2022.

Start small then go big! And when the mom guilt and anxiety tries to ruin your day, throw back a couple margs and keep moving forward. If you’re not a margarita gal, remind yourself that you can’t pour from an empty cup.

Prioritize Your Mental Health

Mental health is one of the most under discussed topics in motherhood because society wants you to believe that suffering from a mental illness makes you a bad mother. This belief is dated and has always been 100% inaccurate.

Please, please stop suffering in silence. When January 1st hits, I want you to make that appointment that you’ve been avoiding. Heck, stop reading this post and make the appointment now.

If you don’t want to make an appointment, share your struggles with a loved one or find an activity that helps improve your mental health.

Do what you need to do to ensure that you’re taking care of your mental state just as well as you are taking care of children. And most importantly, NEVER shame yourself for prioritizing your mental health over anything.

Create A Must Visit List For 2022

If you don’t think this goal is important, scroll past this section. Or keep reading to understand why visiting places that you’ve always dreamed of is a goal that you need to set for 2022.

Before I became a mom, I was very spontaneous. I went on unplanned adventures as often as I could. My husband always says that he’s thankful that we’re together because without me, he’d never leave home.

Today I’m lucky if I go outside to check the mail. I’d like to say that this is mainly because of COVID but I can’t. After I brought a new being into the world many of my character traits faded away, being spontaneous was one of them.

Jumping in the car not knowing where I’m going used to bring me so much joy, but now it stresses me out. I long for the days where I never knew where I was going but somehow always managed to have an awesome adventure.

Do you feel the same way? If your answer is yes, let’s change that. In 2022, I want you to visit the places that you’ve only visited in your dreams.

Life is too short to waste time wishing that you had done more. So stop wishing and start doing! I promise you won’t regret it.

Reconnect With The Woman You Used To Be

Who were you before you became a mom? Were you daring? Did you go out more often? It’s time for you to reconnect with that version of yourself.

So, how can you achieve this goal? I used social media to rediscover myself. Through creating content that aimed to empower other mothers, I simultaneously empowered myself.

If you’re not a fan of social media, or you simply just don’t want to share your story online, you could do things the old fashioned way by starting a journal.

For your first entry, write about the woman that you currently are. Then, flip to the last page and write about who you used to be. As each day goes by, start each entry by writing about who you currently are then try to connect who you are now to the person you used be.

Let’s explore an example. Perhaps today you were a mom who cooked three meals for a toddler who didn’t eat any of them. And maybe in the past you were simply a woman who loved to cook. Would you prefer to view yourself as an annoyed mother who cooks food for an ungrateful toddler or as a woman who has fun in the kitchen while trying to figure out what her child will eat?

I’d much rather be the second version.

Changing the narrative and adjusting your perspective is a key aspect in remembering who you used to be. If you choose to explore this activity, let me know by leaving a comment below or sharing a post online & tagging me on TikTok or Instagram.

Closing

All of the goals above are suggestions based on the topics that I see many mothers discuss online-including myself.

You can choose to make the same goals that you always set: loose weight, eat healthier, yatta yatta. Or you can sit down and take time to make realistic goals that actually align with what you want to achieve in life.

Are you going to be your own person in 2022 or are you going to be the person that society wants you to be?

The choice is yours queen.

As always, thank you for taking time out of your busy day to read my post. I appreciate your support more than you’ll ever know!

xoxox,

Katlan